Sugar and spice and everything nice

A gift from my pal Carl, to reflect our discussions about womyn's colleges, Wellesley vs. Smith catfights, etc.

I almost broke down crying in Walgreens. People seem so OTHER and mean/uncaring. To begin with, getting on the train this morning, a guy shoved me out of the way so he could board first, though it made no diff which one of us entered the car first since it was packed with rush hour traffic. I'm sure he would have pushed me into the tracks without a thought if it meant he would get to stand in the precise spot he wanted on the platform; that was the feeling I got from him--
-dang! I was just interrupted with a question from a Cornell surgery resident (so I gathered from reading his I.D. badge). Usually I hate questions from strangers (my desk is right next to the door so they come in all the time, looking for Pathology or Plastics or Radiology, none of which is my department). Anyway, he even commented on the fact that "you probably get annoying questions all the time since your desk is next to the door." Shishkebob, this guy actually ties in perfectly with what I was just writng about subway-a**hole-from-this-morning; i mean, he, being considerate of other human beings' experiences, is a stark contrast to the effer who shoved me out of the way this morning.

Bravery

Moon, the cat we are cat-sitting. She is very sweet, and VERY timid. Even if she herself sneezes, she will be so startled that she'll run away and hide. She mainly lives under our basement tenant's bed, though in the evening hours she comes upstairs to visit. We have our little murderball cat Matilda, though, who usually scares her away. But still, Moon can be very brave at times. Like when Matilda had the audacity to go down to the basement (Moon's established territory), Moon chased her back upstairs. I'd rather not let them really get into a fight though, since Moon has been de-clawed whilst Matilda still has her talons; t'wouldn't be a fair fight!

Subway Inn

I usually look at the ground when I walk around the city, or anywhere really. And with good reason, it turns out! This morning I came out of the R train at a different exit, which allowed me to actually view the rest of the buiding that the Subway Inn diner occupies. I never saw the top floors before. They look really creepy, in an interesting/fun-to-explore way. But it just seems ironic that I noticed this dilapidated-lookin' building on the same day that the local paper is declaring that this is one of the COUNTRY's most expensive zip codes (in terms of property values).

C's flowers

 I noticed I've been taking a lot of pictures of flowers in the last couple months. I was never interested in flowers that much before. It just occurred to me that perhaps I've been getting a photographic nudge from beyond; you see, my friend who had passed away several months ago (I didn't know she'd died until just a couple weeks ago) used to take photos of flowers all the time- beautiful, close-ups of flowers (her images were much nicer than these; she was a very gifted photographer). Her photos looked like they belonged in a nature/garden magazine, ie, they were very professional quality.

Stormy Affect* (an OLD unpublished post from maybe 2012?)

*hum to the tune "Stormy Weather"

Last night I went shrinkin' for the first time in two weeks (ie, my shrink was on vacation last week so this was my first appointment since August 1). There is a youngish couple who see another shrink in the office around the same time so they are in the waiting room when I get there. I guess they go to couples therapy. While they are waiting, they engage in seemingly happy chit chat about work that day or meeting up with some friends later that night. I imagine what their relationship issue may be. (I have a nosy imagination, I can't help it.)

Speaking of shrinks in the month of August, there was an article in this past weekend's paper about how people in NYC cope in August when their looney dox are on vacation (yes, many just take the whole month off). I imagine they desperately need the month to regenerate. nighthttp://online.wsj.com/article/SB10000872396390443404004577581382520301646.html?KEYWORDS=psychiatrist

The title of this post has to do with something the LD and I discussed last night. I asked him to explain these periods of extreme depression/fury/self-hatred that come upon me seemingly out of nowhere. They just started in February. Everything can be going fine and dandy, but suddenly, usually while just walking down the street or on the Queensboro Bridge, I just feel this overwhelming self hatred, and I have a VERY strong urge to brutalize myself. It happened every few days back in Feb/March, but thankfully now only happens once a week at most. I don't keep X-acto knives around, though in February I confess I stopped at hardware stores on two separate occassions in the midst of these episodes to pick up a knife. I actually used it once before throwing it out in horror. I have a wormy-looking elevated 3 inch scar on one of my forearms now. I had never cut that deeply before. In the past (senior year of college) when I cut it was long shallow lines that just let out little beads of blood. But with these new/sudden and extreme bouts of fury, I feel like I want to stab and gouge myself- it is so different than anything I used to feel. So much more intense. And that is why when I gave in to the urge to cut myself that time in February, it was a much deeper (since it was much a more violently afflicted) cut, and boy did it bleed! I was at my desk at work when I made the cut. I was so scared- not of dying, but of someone finding me bleeding all over the place, how embarrassing! I held a wad of tissues against the cut and it soaked right through so quickly and I replaced the wad over and over again, until finally after like 20 minutes the bleeding stopped. Now I try to avoid carrying a knife, or even owning a knife (X-acto knife I mean; sure I have kitchen knives, but these episodes never take place at home). Now my modus mutilandi is bashing my hands/arms into trees and parking meters and building edges that I pass while walking. And biting my hands and arms HARD- I mean, I've created some bad bruises. I asked my LD what the heckers is going on- what ARE these episodes, why did they start happening to me, and is there a pill (Ati??) to take that'll make the intense fury subside. He said these are "Affect Storms" and that Ativan wouldn't really help because it is used for intense anxiety and what I experience is more like sudden intense depression. He said that in these moments, I should try to remind myself that this horrible feeling will pass (a line I learned in psych clinical). It makes sense, but when I'm in the midst of an ep I can't think that clearly, rather, I can't believe that clearly (believe that this feeling will stop soon). He suggested (again) low-dose Lithium to try to stabilize my mood. I said no way (again). I don't want to mess with Lithium- it has too many potential medical side effects and requires annoying blood tests all the time. Ah, who am I kidding, I just don't want to blimp up (a lot of people on Lithium eventually develop hypothyroidism). But luckily the affect storms do not come upon me that frequently anymore, so I'll hang tough. for now. And if I can't take it, well, there's always booze.

graded

Oh my, I finally got up the courage to open the e-mail from my psych clinical professor (it arrived a couple days ago; I've got problems, I know). I knew that the e-mail contained the grade on the lastest paper and perhaps some comments, so I was terrified. This is what she wrote though:

Excellent insights.  An opportunity for personal growth too.  Excellent focused work in simulation.  You have a strong therapeutic/ patient focused presence.  100 points. 

Might I not have to kill myself now?

Seriously, a professor never said anything that nice about me before, not in the current program, and not in original college back in the day. I don't know what to do with this information!

One song too many

I drew this loverlay picture during lecture on Wednesday. Guess my mind was wandering, huh? Even though we had an interesting topic that day (personality disorders!). When I'm walking across the bridge with tunes blaring in my ears I think of what I'm supposed to know for school, and when I'm in school I think of riot grrrls and Marshall stax. But something did penetrate my flab-coated skull: I picked up the great saying "One drink is just too many, and 1000 isn't enough"-- from the part of the lecture on alcohol abuse. I think it can be adapted for eating disorders and pretty much any addiction (replace "drink" with "bite" or "line" or "fling" or "pair of designer shoes" et cetera ad finitum). Anyway, I titled this lovely scribble "One song is just too many, but 1000 isn't enough" (because after all, music can be addictive).

"One song" makes me think of the similarly titled Sleater Kinney tune "One Song For You." The lyrics go something like, "One song, for you/ We wrote a little tune it/ Takes off, for you, hold on hold..." This song contains one of the greatest S-K lines of all time, "Drop little boy crumbs you can follow back, When you get lost becoming a man."