*hum to the tune "Stormy Weather"
Last night I went shrinkin' for the first time in two weeks (ie, my shrink was on vacation last week so this was my first appointment since August 1). There is a youngish couple who see another shrink in the office around the same time so they are in the waiting room when I get there. I guess they go to couples therapy. While they are waiting, they engage in seemingly happy chit chat about work that day or meeting up with some friends later that night. I imagine what their relationship issue may be. (I have a nosy imagination, I can't help it.)
Speaking of shrinks in the month of August, there was an article in this past weekend's paper about how people in NYC cope in August when their looney dox are on vacation (yes, many just take the whole month off). I imagine they desperately need the month to regenerate. nighthttp://online.wsj.com/article/SB10000872396390443404004577581382520301646.html?KEYWORDS=psychiatrist
The title of this post has to do with something the LD and I discussed last night. I asked him to explain these periods of extreme depression/fury/self-hatred that come upon me seemingly out of nowhere. They just started in February. Everything can be going fine and dandy, but suddenly, usually while just walking down the street or on the Queensboro Bridge, I just feel this overwhelming self hatred, and I have a VERY strong urge to brutalize myself. It happened every few days back in Feb/March, but thankfully now only happens once a week at most. I don't keep X-acto knives around, though in February I confess I stopped at hardware stores on two separate occassions in the midst of these episodes to pick up a knife. I actually used it once before throwing it out in horror. I have a wormy-looking elevated 3 inch scar on one of my forearms now. I had never cut that deeply before. In the past (senior year of college) when I cut it was long shallow lines that just let out little beads of blood. But with these new/sudden and extreme bouts of fury, I feel like I want to stab and gouge myself- it is so different than anything I used to feel. So much more intense. And that is why when I gave in to the urge to cut myself that time in February, it was a much deeper (since it was much a more violently afflicted) cut, and boy did it bleed! I was at my desk at work when I made the cut. I was so scared- not of dying, but of someone finding me bleeding all over the place, how embarrassing! I held a wad of tissues against the cut and it soaked right through so quickly and I replaced the wad over and over again, until finally after like 20 minutes the bleeding stopped. Now I try to avoid carrying a knife, or even owning a knife (X-acto knife I mean; sure I have kitchen knives, but these episodes never take place at home). Now my modus mutilandi is bashing my hands/arms into trees and parking meters and building edges that I pass while walking. And biting my hands and arms HARD- I mean, I've created some bad bruises. I asked my LD what the heckers is going on- what ARE these episodes, why did they start happening to me, and is there a pill (Ati??) to take that'll make the intense fury subside. He said these are "Affect Storms" and that Ativan wouldn't really help because it is used for intense anxiety and what I experience is more like sudden intense depression. He said that in these moments, I should try to remind myself that this horrible feeling will pass (a line I learned in psych clinical). It makes sense, but when I'm in the midst of an ep I can't think that clearly, rather, I can't believe that clearly (believe that this feeling will stop soon). He suggested (again) low-dose Lithium to try to stabilize my mood. I said no way (again). I don't want to mess with Lithium- it has too many potential medical side effects and requires annoying blood tests all the time. Ah, who am I kidding, I just don't want to blimp up (a lot of people on Lithium eventually develop hypothyroidism). But luckily the affect storms do not come upon me that frequently anymore, so I'll hang tough. for now. And if I can't take it, well, there's always booze.
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